A For Anaemic- THE A-TEAM Review

As something of a regular disclaimer, it's only my opinion here- others are available. As ever, mild spoilers may occur in the process of reviewing, but never so far as to spoil any major plot developments.

Does it really need the preamble? Have we not been bombarded, blasted and bloody well bludgeoned with The A-Team for the last couple of months? Before every film you see in the cinema, an advert from Orange that features the film heavily, specifically that opening narration from the series! They even played the ad before the screening of the film itself! Presuming you know about these characters one way or the other, it only remains to say that Hannibal, Faceman, Murdock and B.A. are out to acquit themselves for a crime they didn't commit. Explosions ensue.

What are the odds that I'd be saying a film based on The A-Team doesn't do enough? As with the other 80s throwback I reviewed this week, The Karate Kid, the source material isn't exactly to be heralded as high art. It's a fairly fun show that somehow still ended up being pretty much universally loved by repeating the same basic story each week with likable characters. I'm no purist, but if I catch an episode while channel-hopping, I'll give it a look.

It was fun, it was frothy and crucially to its formula, it was cheap. Minimal budget, maximum returns- the show was insanely popular in its heyday. All you should really need to know about The A-Team in 2010 is that it cost $100 million to make. When that much money is in play, especially from a studio like 20th Century Fox- whose executives are well-renowned for hatchet jobs on the likes of Die Hard 4 and Alien vs. Predator- there has to be some compromise. The cheesy, family-friendly stunts of the original become transparent and samey to appeal to a less than lucid 12A audience. There's death, swearing, sexual references and all those things that have led Mr. T to disavow the remake.

So it's an expensive operation that removes all the charm from the original concept, but one that's eased immeasurably by its miscast players. Liam Neeson isn't bad as team leader Hannibal, but he never particularly relaxes, seeming to deliver his lines through gritted teeth all the way through. Quinton "Rampage" Jackson steps into the Mr. T shaped hole, and mumbles his way through with all the confidence and natural grace of a UFC fighter who was quoted calling acting "kinda gay" during his promotion efforts on this one.

The worst offender is a smug and now entirely annoying Bradley Cooper as Face. Somewhere in his mind, Face clicked with "Dreamworks Face" for him, because that's almost his default expression in this film! That fucking Dreamworks Face! Seriously, Mr. Cooper?! Much more watchable is Sharlto Copley, but it's sad to see him follow up his Wikus van der Merwe from District 9 with this- a film in which he's fifth-billed, behind Jessica Biel, even though he's playing a member of the title's four-man team. He plays it wacky, but he provides welcome laughs in an otherwise anaemic remake.

It would be both churlish and forgetful to complain that the eventual villain of the piece is underpowered, because the bad guys of the week in the series were always underpowered compared to the larger-than-life protagonists. At the same time, the film gains nothing for evoking Green Zone-esque mercenaries and upgrading the context to the war in Iraq. Even having the team still working for the military makes this one long origin piece, almost as unforgivable as the languorous back-story of Ridley Scott's Robin Hood from a few months back.

You might like the camaraderie between the protagonists, because it does liven up a pretty bog-standard action film, but I found it to be full of itself, backslapping and condescending. It's like the film is constantly trying to persuade you that it's fun so you'll excuse its faults, rather than actually showing you a good time. Any sense of fun just feels intensely artificial. It definitely doesn't help that we've seen almost every good action setpiece in all the adverts and trailers. What remains is one admittedly brilliant gag sequence in a mental hospital and a bunch of CG-infused stupidity. It's the film that's suffered the most for its advertising campaign in recent memory- sure, that extensive clusterfuck will get people to see it, but will they be satisfied?

Remember The Losers, from earlier this year? Well that film out-A-Teamed The A-Team. This reboot has squandered its potential by sticking with the playbook for big-budget action films and taking itself seriously enough that its faults are just magnified. It's not just the absence of series hallmarks, like BA's van (for the most part) and that theme tune, but it's the utter lack of anything to latch onto and really enjoy. Lots of people will call this "fun", but I doubt many will stretch to call it "good".

That A in the title couldn't honestly be said to stand for "Awful", but there are any number of other words I would fit in there. Like Average, or Atypical, or Awkward, or, as I said earlier, Anaemic. Hardcore fans of the series will be disappointed and there's really very little to recommend to new audiences either, except maybe Sharlto Copley's Murdock. Shame he had to hang around with a bunch of other more unlikable gits, really. 

The A-Team is now showing in cinemas nationwide.
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If and when you see The A-Team, if there's no-one else to talk to, and if you know how, maybe you can leave... a comment. (gunfire and... cue theme tune.)

I'm Mark the mad prophet, and until next time, don't watch anything I wouldn't watch.

A Delicious Salmon-Bok Choy Combination

Time for a simple yet delicious and healthy meal that can be cooked in under 30 minutes. Fish is one of the healthiest protein one can easily buy and up there on my favorites list are Chilean sea bass, striped bass, halibut and of course, salmon.

Unless you want to go all fancy-schmansy with some exotic glaze or crumb, it's really quite easy to cook salmon. All it takes is you basic seasoning of salt and pepper. And if you happen to have any garlic/onion powder hanging around the pantry, by all means, sprinkle some on. Just get a pan with some oil heated up and pan fry the fish, starting with the skin side up. Make sure you get a good amount of browning on the surface of the fish before turning it over. What's worse than an undercooked fish is a pale and anemic looking one. Don't worry about how thick the fish is as long you get the proper browning. You may not be able to cook the fish all the way on the pan without burning it. The proper solution is to finish it in the oven for a couple of minutes. Nowadays, some diners like their salmon cooked to a medium temperature but traditionally, it should be cooked all the way through. There is a fine line (probably a window of just a minute or two) between cooking the salmon all the way through and overcooking it. So, if you think it is done, just pull it out of the oven, as it will continue to cook even as it sits on the counter.

Accompanying the salmon is a wok-fried combination of bok choy and button mushrooms (I didn't have any shiitake on hand, so I had to settle) and jasmine rice, all typical components of a Chinese meal. For some color to the presentation, I sprinkled some sesame seeds and sesame oil onto the rice.

Stir-frying the vegetable is pretty straightforward. First, sweat the onions and then cook the garlic. Next, I add a tablespoon each of fish sauce, Shaoxing cooking wine and sweet soy sauce. Mix well in the wok and then add the chopped up bok choy and mushrooms. Cook until the vegetable is just wilted and serve immediately. And there you go, simple yet delicious and healthy.

Variety is the Splice of Life- SPLICE Review

As something of a regular disclaimer, it's only my opinion here- others are available. As ever, mild spoilers may occur in the process of reviewing, but never so far as to spoil any major plot developments.
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The one film that seems to have been overlooked upon its UK release, opening as it did alongside juggernauts like Toy Story 3, The Karate Kid and The A-Team (review coming on Friday), is Splice. In the vein of David Cronenberg's creature features, this is a film about the folly of geneticists Clive and Elsa playing God. When their corporate sponsors deny them the opportunity to experiment with human splicing, the couple work in secret and produce something incredible- a quickly evolving hybrid lifeform which they christen Dren.

To call Splice a film in the vein of Cronenberg is a compliment, the difference between homage and rip-off being, as with all critics, whether I like it or not. But it does have new tricks up its sleeve- perhaps not enough to be called entirely original but certainly enough to make it a thoughtful sci-fi parable. It counts Guillermo del Toro amongst its executive producers, and given his long-mooted desire to remake Frankenstein, there are no prizes for guessing the other major influence on the story.

What's refreshing about Splice is its oppositional spin on the "science gone wrong" subset. It doesn't blame all that inevitably goes awry about Dren's mere existence on scientific endeavour. Rather than being so backward thinking or conservative, the creators' folly is in how they nurture their creation, a point from Mary Shelley's original story that seems to have been lost in translation across the years. So many will instead say "Frankenstein is the real monster, for even doing this."

The trade-off for this accommodation of discovery and innovation is a curiously reactionary indictment of women. It's specifically Elsa's treatment of Dren that makes shit go wrong. An impressive Sarah Polley's character is played and written as motherly, as having viewed the process of creating this hybrid through a reluctant desire for motherhood. Of Adrien Brody's character, I probably shouldn't say a lot, lest I ruin one of the better plot twists in Splice. However, the representation of Elsa is perhaps the one thing that's skewiff in a film that otherwise has a remarkable common sense in its ethics and morality.

The other thing you can expect from a del Toro production is stunning visual effects, and Splice doesn't disappoint. Like Inception, it tempers CGI creations with dazzling practical effects, albeit on a much smaller scale and budget. The CGI foetal version of Dren metamorphoses into the ethereal and exotically attractive actress Delphine Chanéac, embellished with an alien quality by her shaven head and a couple of animated appendages. Her performance and Polley's are the standouts of Splice, and they keep you arrested throughout.

Not to damn it with faint praise, but Splice is a B-movie with brains. If that conjures images of a smarter Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus or Surf Nazis Must Die, remember the original meaning of the term- a film intended as the bottom part of a cinema double feature, less publicised than the main attraction. Although some will argue that a certain scene with Adrien Brody steers it into exploitation territory, this is a sci-fi parable of real ingenuity that isn't afraid to engage with its audience intellectually at the same time as deploying some stunning creature effects.

Splice is now showing in selected cinemas nationwide.
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If and when you see Splice, why not share your comments on the film and/or my review below? And rejoice! Since I first saw BrodyQuest, it's the first Adrien Brody film I've watched without thinking of it once!

I'm Mark the mad prophet, and until next time, don't watch anything I wouldn't watch.

Lobster Thermidor with Potato Pancakes

This is my take on the classic French dish, lobster thermidor, which consists of lobster meat cooked in a creamy Sherry sauce, stuffed back onto the lobster tail shell and slightly browned on top with a parmesan cheese and panko crumb topping. The lobster thermidor is featured in Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking." As you can imagine, the original recipe contains many components that I view as overkill and here, I will try to simplify it for the home cook but most importantly, also keep the flavors intact.

My biggest pet peeve from the original recipe is the way that it complicates the initial cooking of the lobster. Counting a whopping 14 ingredients that are used in the process of steaming the lobster, I decided to forgo everything and just let the natural sweetness of the lobster meat come through by itself. Using only a mix of white wine vinegar and water (1/2 cup vinegar per 8 quarts of water; enough liquid to cover the entire lobster), I boil the lobster for about 5 (1.25 lb. lobster) to 7 minutes (2 lb.lobster) depending on how large it is. This length of time is actually not enough to fully cook the lobster. I am just pre-cooking it first and finishing it in the sauce later. There is nothing more sinful than overcooked lobster meat. So, once the lobster's done, cook it down in cold ice water and shuck the meat, carefully preserving the tail shell for your presentation later. To do this, simply separate the body from the tail and using a sharp knife, cut all the way through down the middle of the tail. Remove the tail meat and wash the shell thoroughly. Cut the lobster meat into small pieces. You can leave the claw meat whole for a nicer presentation.

Next, let's start working on the sauce. Here are the ingredients that you'll need (for 2 1.25 lb. lobsters):

3 tablespoons of unsalted butter
1 medium-sized shallot (diced)
2 cloves garlic
2 cups heavy cream
1/2 cup sherry
1 teaspoon dry mustard
2 teaspoons lemon juice
1 teaspoon fresh tarragon (chopped fine)
1 cup shaved parmesan/pecorino romano cheese (gruyere cheese is acceptable)
Salt & pepper to taste
Panko breadcrumbs
1 bunch chives (for garnish)

Start by melting the butter in a deep pan. Next, sweat the shallots and then add the garlic. Cook the garlic for about a minute and then deglaze the pan with sherry. Add the heavy cream, together with the dry mustard and tarragon. Bring the sauce to a rapid simmer (not boiling) and then add the shucked lobster meat and cook for just under a minute. Turn off the heat and add 3/4 cup of the parmesan cheese. Stir to melt the cheese in the sauce. Add the lemon juice, taste and add salt and pepper as needed.

Now, scoop the lobster meat together with the sauce onto the lobster tail shell. Top it off with some panko breadcrumbs and the remaining parmesan cheese. Turn you oven to "broil" and put the loaded tails in to brown. As soon as the tails start browning, remove from the oven. Garnish with some chopped chives and serve.

Smith Happens- THE KARATE KID Review

As something of a regular disclaimer, it's only my opinion here- others are available. As ever, mild spoilers may occur in the process of reviewing, but never so far as to spoil any major plot developments.
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The 1984 original does not exist in this dojo! This is the remake of The Karate Kid, and it transfers the story from America to China. 12-year-old Dre Parker isn't best pleased with moving to another country for his mother's job, and he's promptly whaled upon by the kung-fu expert bullies at his new school. With the help of a friendly maintenance man, Mr. Han, he learns how to fight back and earn self-respect and honour in the process. Naturally, this entails a big old tournament in which he has to whup some bully arse.

The original isn't as amazing as it's reputed to be- it's a fairly middle-of-the-road 80s teen movie that's taken on a greater nostalgia value than it deserves because the idea of standing up to bullies is one that chimes with many audiences. This remake has the same good intentions, and in fairness, I think it actually surpasses the original, but that's not to say it's a great film. For one thing, the faults are many, largely in how the story now centres around 12 year olds instead of kids who are in high school.

If you hate children, you might love to watch them beating the shit out of each other with a kung-fu mastery you'd expect of someone twice their age. In all honesty though, that's what watching Battle Royale is for, not a PG-rated Jaden Smith vanity vehicle like this. The wide-eyed rage and exaggerated prowess of the teens in the original worked because it reflects competitive and occasionally steroid fuelled American culture, but in the context of China, it creates an unusual and inhuman quality to the scowling children. These are EVIL children, in the mindset we're asked to accept.

As our hero, the younger Smith isn't nearly as annoying here as he was in The Day The Earth Stood Still, but since The Pursuit of Happyness, I've noticed he's starred in a few roles as a kid who lives with his mother after his father died, which says all kinds of worrying Oedipal things about Will Smith that I don't want to think about. The elder Smith seems to have become a stage parent for Jaden, his last appearance on screen being in Seven Pounds back in 2008, but his son still lacks much of the charm and charisma that made him a star.

While there's a nice supporting turn by Taraji P. Henson as Mrs. Parker, the real star here is Jackie Chan. I've spoken before of how he's an excellent action comedy star, but what's entirely unexpected is the dramatic mileage he gets here with Mr. Han. Throughout the film, we see him fixing up a car in his living room, a seemingly incidental detail that pays off beautifully just before the third act. He has a great crowd-pleasing choreographed fights, but he also has a fully rounded character for once, unlike much of his other English language work.

I'd rather have seen much more of Chan than Jaden Smith, but painfully, director Harold Zwart takes us into many disposable detours that involve our protagonist and bulk the film out to two hours and 20 minutes. Way longer than it needed to be, and this was proven in the very screening I attended. Four people wandered in and sat in the front row around an hour into the film, obviously looking for the screening after this. They didn't even realise they'd missed any more than the opening, and sat through the rest of it like everyone else. This film really needed to be at least twenty minutes shorter.

Additionally, as many have pointed out, Dre is learning kung-fu, so why is this called The Karate Kid? They even have the balls to lampshade this by saying that there's no difference between karate and kung-fu, it's all just fighting- and no one bothers to correct those characters. When you change something like that, there needs to be a bit more distinction from what has gone before than just the geography. The ending, for instance, is the one major point that did need some innovation, but it's taken beat for beat from the original.

But the fact is, a vanity vehicle like this, for an actor who's not exactly the Next Big Thing that studios obviously want him to be, could be a whole lot worse. The soundtrack is fairly obvious and bland, bringing in cues from Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber, and the filmmakers can't restrain themselves from various cringe-making training montages, but it's still a pretty entertaining film. While I wanted it to go faster, it never really bored me, and Jackie Chan's performance is downright brilliant. I'd go as far as to say that Chan is actually a dark horse for a Best Supporting Actor nod at the next Oscars ceremony, but we'll see how the rest of the year pans out.

The Karate Kid is a perfectly serviceable remake of a film that many remember fondly. Its well-meaning narrative is tempered by its refit as a launching pad for its star, but that's not enough to bury some of the better choices in updating the story. Despite being overlong and a little too obvious at times, it's a film that will entertain fans of the original and keep younger viewers engaged at the same time.

The Karate Kid opens in cinemas nationwide on July 28th
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If and when you see The Karate Kid, why not share your comments on the film and/or my review below? And when you see the upgraded "wax on, wax off" routine, tell me you aren't reminded of a certain song in The Mighty Boosh Live...

I'm Mark the mad prophet, and until next time, don't watch anything I wouldn't watch.

Millennium Part 1- THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO Review

As something of a regular disclaimer, it's only my opinion here- others are available. As ever, mild spoilers may occur in the process of reviewing, but never so far as to spoil any major plot developments.
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Coming to this a little late, but it's still a timely juncture to review the first film based on Stieg Larsson's Millennium trilogy, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, as the film is released on DVD this week. Parts 2 and 3 are due later in 2010, so you'll see reviews of those as I try my utmost to catch them in cinemas.

The trilogy follows an altruistic journalist, Mikael Blomkvist, as he becomes entangled with a haunted and intelligent hacker, Lisbeth Salander. In this first instalment, Blomkvist loses a legal battle with a corrupt business tycoon and is sentenced to three months in prison for libel. With a six month reprieve, he's enlisted to solve a 40 year old cold case involving a powerful industrial family, drawing Lisbeth's attention in the process...

All three films in the trilogy were released in 2009 in mainland Europe, and with the books' worldwide success, a similar release of all three films in the UK and America began in March. It's a schedule that I'm very pleased with indeed, because The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is a film that gripped me mercilessly, and at the back end of watching it, I was dying to see what happens next.

For one thing, it's intensely and deliberately constructed to lift the murder mystery off the page and onto the screen. The film itself feels almost literary, and the way it assembles its narrative elements is entirely dissimilar to the Hollywood production line of crime thrillers. There's one major action sequence to be found here, and though it serves as the resolution of the mystery, it's not the climax of the film, which comes as a more satisfying and cerebral finale.

There's a lot to be applauded in the structure, which keeps the intrigue bubbling away for the film's 150 minutes, but it's almost difficult to see such mechanics past the glowing central performance. Noomi Rapace plays Lisbeth magnificently, and its refreshing to see a female character like hers so finely detailed and realised. Her story unfolds parallel to Blomkvist's for the first part of the film, and you can't help but wonder where her story's going everytime she's off screen.

It's not that Michael Nyqvist isn't compelling as Blomkvist, because he is. It's just that while he is at most a facsimile of other virtuous journalists on film like Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford in All The President's Men, Lisbeth is something else entirely. Larsson apparently conceived her as a grown-up Pippi Longstocking, and the sexual politics within that framework are markedly different, and she spearheads the film's indictment of patriarchy and, as the Swedish title puts it, of Men Who Hate Women.

As usual when a film depicts violence towards women, you may have already heard how disgusting scenes between Lisbeth and her probationary guardian are, but be assured that Lisbeth doesn't let herself become a victim or a damsel- she's much more capable than that. When she gives sex thereafter, she never falls into bed like other female leads so much as she reclines into bed on her terms. And once she's done, it's the act of making an emotional connection that holds much more fear to her.

This is brought to life better than I'm describing it, and so it's best to watch the film and see how good she really is. The fact that I've given so much of the review over to her highlights the film's problem though. With the two subsequent films in mind, so much of this is to establish our two central characters that it feels almost like the pilot for a TV detective series. There's nothing wrong with being character-driven rather than plot-driven, but it's a pretty decent plot that ultimately recedes in importance as the film goes on.

With that in mind, I can't help but wonder how different the announced English language remake will be. It'll presumably be a lot less subtle, but when a performance is as integral as Noomi Rapace is here, I can't see it translating too well. The only actress I could credit with taking over as Lisbeth would be Ellen Page, and my interest in the remake will automatically go up several notches if they fix that. It's still likely to be inferior to this version though- they're still setting it in Sweden, so I can only assume they'll take the Valkyrie approach of letting the big stars talk normally and burden others with attempting an accent like that chef on the Muppets.

It doesn't feel as long as it actually is but it's still vigorously uncomfortable to watch. If you're any kind of film fan, you should be catching up with the story so far while it's one instalment in, so you can catch the other two in cinemas later this year. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo makes a superbly watchable thriller from a strong mystery plot and some breathtaking performances. The trilogy has every chance of getting better now that we're acquainted with its players, but it's certainly made an impressive start. 

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is now available on DVD and Blu-ray. Part 2, The Girl Who Played With Fire arrives in selected UK cinemas on August 27th, with Part 3, The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest scheduled before the end of the year.
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If you've seen The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, why not share your comments below? If you're discouraged by the idea that it's like a TV murder mystery pilot, be assured it has a lot more teeth than the likes of Midsomer Murders.

I'm Mark the mad prophet, and until next time, don't watch anything I wouldn't watch.

Lego To The Movies

With the creative team from Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs signing up to work on the upcoming Lego movie, and the recent release of the latest video-game spin-off, Lego Harry Potter Years 1-4, it seems as good a time as any to talk about certain branches of the Lego empire.

Is there a man or woman alive who doesn't love Lego? It seems like a lot of people like video games too, even though personally the only game I've really properly played in the last ten years is Batman: Arkham Asylum. The other infrequent chances I've had to pick up a controller have involved the Lego games of movies though. Star Wars, Batman, Indiana Jones and now Harry Potter. So what should be next?

Lego Saw


Video by NIVALIS09

If ever a bloodthirsty torture porn horror series was meant for Lego, it's the Saw series! Build the traps! Set them off! Get steadily more convoluted and wrapped up in plot as you go along! This one lends itself to Lego better than any other horror, particularly as they can repeat the Harry Potter release model by doing "Lego Saw I-IV" first and then doing the rest of the films in a second game!

I did consider other ones, but Lego Antichrist seemed a bit sickening even by my standards. Keep it likable, and fun for all the family!

Lego Terminator


Video by cuatro44

Last year, I noted in my Terminator Salvation review that James Cameron's uber-violent sci-fi action series had gotten more and more kid-friendly as it went along, to the extent that McG's version had a Terminator voice changer helmet as a merchandising tie-in. If they have to plow the metal meanies in the rear USB port, at least let them do it in Lego form!

No blood, just a rock-em sock-em re-telling of the series. Even the writing of John Brancato and Michael Ferris on the latter instalments can be overcome with the joys of Lego! Oddly, there actually seems to be a demand for this one on certain movie forums, irrespective of the need for fun for all the family!

Lego The Room



If you haven't yet experienced the unintentional hilarity of quadruple-threat Tommy Wiseau's debut odyssey The Room, there's little I can do except let the above video speak for itself. The video game of this so-bad-it's-bad modern classic is surely inevitable, made in the mold of The Sims or something, but why not spice it up by making it Lego? Given yesterday's development over at That Guy With The Glasses though, perhaps it doesn't really deserve it.

With detachable body parts, you really can pull Johnny apart when he delivers the immortal line "YOU ARE TEARING ME APART!", and say "Oh hai doggy" as you play fun mini-games at the flower store. A Tennessee Williams-wannabe potboiler becomes fun for all the family!
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If there's a Lego game you want to see that I've missed, why not share your comments below? If you're from Wiseau Films and you want me to take this blog down, you'd better start recalling all your DVDs, because you'll be setting a precedent where you're the only people who can talk about your film.

I'm Mark the mad prophet, and until next time, don't watch anything I wouldn't watch.

Depend On The Dream- INCEPTION Review

As something of a regular disclaimer, it's only my opinion here- others are available. As ever, mild spoilers may occur in the process of reviewing, but never so far as to spoil any major plot developments.
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Christopher Nolan's latest Inception is an odyssey for Dom Cobb, a kind of dream-thieving fugitive who embarks on one last job in order to have his record wiped clean and return home to his two children. It's not as simple as one last job though- the assignment is to enter the subconscious of a business heir and create an idea in his dream, the inception of the title, rather than stealing it. Moreover, Cobb's own subconscious is so fractured and traumatised that he could put his mission and his team in jeopardy himself.

If there's an unusual film coming out in the summer blockbuster season of 2010, it's this one. Put simply, it's the film that probably wouldn't exist if The Dark Knight hadn't done as well as it did at the box office. This is the film you're allowed to make after you've directed a billion dollar Batman movie, with Nolan given the free rein that so few studios allow directors to take.

You've heard the critics try to describe it. This is what Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind would have been if it were directed by James Cameron. This is what Stanley Kubrick's James Bond movie would have been like. The reason for all those bits of critical rhetoric? Most critics are simply finding it hard to admit that this is something really brand new. It's not Hitchcock's The Matrix or Kaufman's Avatar. It's Christopher Nolan's Inception.

And put simply, it's dazzling. In The Dark Knight, Nolan was praised for doing things with the character of Batman and the superhero genre that had never been seen before in a cinema. No matter what you think of that film, it's hard to deny that with Inception, he's done things we have never seen before in a cinema, full stop. I'm not sure how he does it, but you'll leave this one with the same feeling his last film gave many audiences- that it's an event, and more or less an instant classic. The kind of film that will bear up in years to come and continue to provoke discussion and philosophical debate.

It's difficult to know where to begin. Alright, the best part for me, personally? That corridor fight scene. Everyone will be talking about it, but as someone who's been telling his friends for yonks that a strong practical effect trumps a strong CG effect, that scene was nearly enough to make my little film geek heart burst. And what's great is that the necessity for CG effects in a dreamscape as imaginative as Nolan's doesn't lead to any remotely unconvincing effects. Major kudos to the effects teams and to Wally Pfister, Nolan's long-time cinematographer.

Its performers are as consummate and dedicated as those behind the scenes, with another fine ensemble cast brought together. After the relative sausage-fest that was The Dark Knight, it's refreshing to see an excellent pair of actresses shining so brightly in this one. Ellen Page is Ariadne, who could so easily have become our Harry Potter for the film with questions like "What's inception?" to more knowledgeable characters, but instead she becomes Cobb's frankly gorgeous conscience, and a powerful character in her own right. Marion Cotillard is the other stand-out performer, subverting expectations as a subconscious antagonist to Cobb.

Elsewhere, Tom Hardy and Joseph Gordon-Levitt continuously threaten to steal the film with their virtuoso turns while Cillian Murphy plays his industrial heir as a surprisingly tragic mark for the team. In the centre of it all is Leonardo Dicaprio as Cobb, and if you're lucky, you won't notice the similarities with his work in Shutter Island until after the closing credits. For the rest of the film, he's as assured in his leading man status as he's always been, convincing entirely as the rallying point for this motley bunch of subconscious mercenaries.

Since the film was released, I've seen it twice, and have utterly changed my mind about my first impressions that this film would go over many people's heads. Then again, it is one where everyone has to pay the film their full attention. The mind-bending plot is heavily but neatly exposited via Ariadne, and to go to the toilet or go and buy some popcorn is to lose track of the plot. A film this cerebral rewards repeat viewings anyway, but don't ever doubt that every minute is driving the plot forwards.

The sad thing about Inception is that we won't see many like this again. It's not that it won't be a hit- I believe it's had a great opening weekend in the States- or that people won't like it, but it's just difficult to imagine anyone with the same balance of vision and studio clout as Nolan coming along to match it. I can certainly imagine knock-offs of this plot coming along, but I doubt anything will match the way this one utterly engrosses its audience, transporting them into its world and shaking their brains up, down and all over.

But when a frankly ingenius bit of wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey storytelling is set up before the breathtaking final hour, Ariadne asks who would ever want to spend a decade in a dream. She's told it depends on the dream, and from the opening frame to the maddening stimulus of the final shot, Inception is a dream I was more than happy to spend two and a half hours with. It's a rare, precious and purely magnificent blockbuster.

Inception is now showing in cinemas natiowide.
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If and when you see Inception, why not share your comments on the film and/or my review below? If you're stuck on any points, I'll explain them for you for a mere five pounds sterling. "Inception Explainer" is going to be my summer job.

I'm Mark the mad prophet, and until next time, don't watch anything I wouldn't watch.

TOY STORY 3 WEEK- The Edinburgh Premiere

As you'll know by now if you've been reading this week, I saw Toy Story 3 at its UK premiere on June 19th, at the Edinburgh International Film Festival. At the top of the week, I promised a vlog of some description, but as you might have surmised from how I also promised it would be poorly edited and hashed together, I kind of failed.

What I can do instead is blog about my experience in text instead!




The journey to and from Edinburgh was a five-hour trip each way, so upon arriving in the city at 4.30pm, I wasn't at my best. I caught a taxi to the hotel and from there, rushed off to the cinema to get some footage of the red carpet. Typically, I rushed out without my video camera.

The film started at 6pm and was generally rather excellent, as you'll have gathered this week. I also got hold of the first press screening pamphlet thingy of my film reviewing career, which was nice. There was a great introduction from animators Bobby Poedska and Mike Venturini before the film- everyone who works at Pixar seems personable enough that it really is the best workplace in the world.

One thing I haven't mentioned thus far is the traditional Pixar short before the film, this time called Day and Night, not to be confused with an upcoming and ambiguous-looking Tom Cruise film. My favourite of the Pixar shorts is still Presto! from before WALL•E, but this one makes a charming short out of the most simple concept imaginable. I'll say again, it must be the best bloody workplace in the world.

It should once again be reiterated though, seeing the film for the first time with a screenful of kids and their families probably enhanced the experience immeasurably. It's a great film anyway, but the reactions of the target audience were enjoyable too.

Despite what you see in that video though, I didn't see Sean Connery arrive. There were two more screenings starting after the one I saw, so he probably arrived on the red carpet later than I did. I also doubt I'd have been able to stop myself congratulating Henry Jones Sr. for not appearing in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and film geek determination doesn't go well with the kind of security stars of that calibre demand...

Anyway, afterwards I could've recorded some vlog stuff in my hotel room but instead chose to go and watch Macgruber, because it wasn't playing back in Middlesbrough and I had my Unlimited card with me. I reviewed that here, but didn't record much vlog material the following Sunday morning.

Even without the lack of material, my current video camera sucks, so the hotch-potch I was working on to show you today just sucks. Consider this my pledge to get a better camera and work on shooting enough material to give you worthwhile vlogs in the future.

In the meantime, this is the end of Toy Story 3 Week here for The Mad Prophet. Go and see the film when it's finally released in the UK on Monday!

Video courtesy of LondonCitySkies on YouTube, images from EIFF's Flickr stream and Millionaire Playboy.

TOY STORY 3 WEEK- The New Characters

In trilogies, so much of the world-building is done in the first two instalments that it's unusual to see many new characters appear in the third instalment. When you see The Lord of the Rings- The Return of the King, the only new characters with any bearing on the plot are Denethor, steward of Gondor and all-around douche, and Gothmog, who was a gnarly creature effect if anything.

Where Pixar have once again broke the mould is in introducing a wealth of new characters into Toy Story 3. As mentioned in my review at the start of the week, these characters figure nicely in the plot without ever short changing Woody, Buzz, Jessie et al. Spoilers may follow as I cover seven of those new characters.


Lotso Huggin' Bear

Lotso's a fairly beat up old-timer, based on a real-life toy from the 80s and voiced by Ned Beatty. He runs the show at the Sunnyside Daycare Centre, but like most of the toys therein, he's not what he seems and he proves an incredibly effective character when we see his origins.

Ken

With Barbie appearing for the first time in the second film, the third one brings her plastic beau to the screen, and gives him Michael Keaton's voice. The character proves an extraordinarily self-centred scene-stealer and you'll probably forget how awesome it would've been to hear Keaton voicing an unhinged Batman action figure.

Big Baby

This dopey lookin' bastard is one of those baby dolls that blinks its eyes, but his right eyelid was broken off long ago. Now he's something of an enforcer at Sunnyside, and his action figure has gone on tour with director Lee Unkrich to promote the film, arriving in the UK this week.

Bonnie's Toys

These toys belong to Bonnie, a young girl who's dropped off each day at Sunnyside. There's Mr. Pricklepants, a thespian hedgehog voiced by Timothy Dalton, which is just as funny as it sounds. The (male) unicorn is Buttercup and the triceratops is Trixie, who comes from the same range of dinosaur toys as Rex. These are the three I'll mention, but there's one more I'll let you see yourself, whose surprise appearance got one of the biggest laughs of the film.

The Monkey

Watch out for this scary bastard. That's all I'm saying. Jeez.

Toy Story 3 Week concludes tomorrow.

Bacon-Wrapped Pork Tenderloin with Apricot-Ginger Sauce

Pork tenderloins, because of its leanness, is prone to easily drying out even when just slightly overcooked. The key to moist pork tenderloin is brining or if you are in a hurry, wrapping it in bacon like what I've done here. The role of the bacon is two-fold: first, to keep the lean meat from dying out quickly and second, to add flavor.

For this dish, I first trim a piece of pork tenderloin of its silver skin. Then I used several pieces of hickory-smoked bacon and wrapped them around the meat. Before cooking the tenderloin in the oven, I first brown the bacon-wrapped meat on a hot pan. While the tenderloin cooks in the oven, I used the pan drippings from the browning process to prepare the sauce. Pork pairs very well with fruits, especially apple. For my sauce, I decided to go with apricot and ginger. First, I cook the dried apricots and fresh ginger slices in a solution of rice wine vinegar, sugar and salt until it becomes really tender and almost like a really thick sauce. Using the same pan with the bacon oil that was used to brown the pork, I saute some shallot and garlic until fragrant. I then deglaze with some white wine and add the apricot-ginger sauce, cooking for a few more minutes. After letting it cool down for about 10 minutes or so, I puree the sauce with a blender, adding a little more water if needed.

When the pork is ready, remove from the oven and let it rest. As the meat rests, yummy juices will bleed out and I like to use these juices to further flavor the sauce. Here I am serving the pork with my favorite vegetable, asparagus, that are sauted with shiitake mushrooms and home-made garlic and parmesan mashed potatoes.

TOY STORY 3 WEEK- Wait, Go Back One...

It occurs to me now, in the middle of Toy Story 3 Week, that I never got around to doing a Toy Story 2 review on this blog. I did the new one on Monday, and there was a review of the first film when it was re-released in 3D in October. Time to plug the gap in my reviews of the series, and in the week's planned posts...

An accident during playtime leaves a demoralised Woody sitting on the shelf as Andy goes off to cowboy camp at the beginning of Toy Story 2. In his owner's absence, he finds himself abducted by Al, a voracious toy collector who's spent years looking for the centrepiece in his Woody's Roundup merchandise collection. As Buzz and co race to rescue him, Woody warms to the idea of becoming a collectable in a museum, to be appreciated by kids for eternity...

Many will know from both previous posts and my willingness to dedicate a whole week to a sequel that I'm a big fan of Toy Story. For me, as with many others my age, it's the foundation stone in my appreciation of films, and it remains my personal second favourite film of all time. Any sequel would have to match pretty lofty expectations, even though I was only nine years old when this one came out.

Pixar have proven equal to that task twice now, and Toy Story 2 is a film that's just as good as the first one. It lacks the sheen of nostalgia that fuels my insane appreciation of the original, but it's just as fine a film. More than anything else, it enhances the story of these characters, bringing forward the notion that toys get broken and lost sometimes as their owners grow up.

That works well when you factor in the antagonist, Al, who's an even bigger geek than Sid was the first time around. He's a tempting prospect for the likes of Jessie the cowgirl, Bullseye the horse and Stinky Pete the prospector, who've spent years and years in storage rather than getting the attention that toys are seen to crave in these films.

We're not going to broach the topic of Jessie too deeply except to say that Pixar is stupid, making stupid toys sing stupid songs that make people cry. Sniffle. But anyway, even academics have come forward to call this a perfect film. This story and these characters continue to garner high praise in the framework of a mere "kids' film". Critics have also bandied around phrases like "the Godfather II of animated movies", but there, I have to disagree.

The Godfather Part II is frequently brought out as shorthand when someone thinks a sequel is particularly good, but Toy Story 2 has what that other trilogy never had. It has heart, and characters you can actually empathise with. I've said before that I never particularly liked the Godfather trilogy, even though it's pretty much perfect on a technical level. Pixar somehow manage to get emotional resonance alongside technical perfection time and time again, and they don't need an excess of three hours to do it. Hell, they only need pixels and some great voice performances!

Toy Story 2 is just as epic as its live-action counterparts, from its nicely misleading opening to the big old traditional chase scene finale. It's bookended by a modern classic and the upcoming conclusion, but it is just as substantial as either of those, and well worth revisiting. I've heard people claim they didn't even know there was a Toy Story 2, so it's definitely worth revisiting. 

Toy Story 3 Week continues tomorrow.

TOY STORY 3 WEEK- Playing Nice

UPDATE: Despite me having discussed the main point of this blog with my friends for months, ever since that 3D re-release of Toy Story back in October last year, I've been pre-empted at the last minute by Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier in this week's Smodcast. Yep, they discussed the Sid thing. Still, I'm a big fan of their films and they've given me hours of free audio entertainment, so we'll call it quits. You win this time, Smith and Mosier!

There's a scene in the trailers for Toy Story 3 where the toys meet the kids of the Sunnyside Daycare Centre and all hell breaks loose. They're damaged, drooled on, smacked around and generally played with in the way that little kids play with toys before they learn to value their possessions.

It's a theme that most will remember better as the main reason to dislike Sid, the kid next door and demented antagonist from Toy Story. This kid, aside from blowing up Combat Carls and attempting to launch Buzz Lightyears into orbit, deconstructs toys and re-assembles them as new and exciting toys, like a baby-headed spider or a duck with arms and legs. Wait, hang on...

 

Why is Sid, arguably the more creative of the two kids in this film, demonised for fucking about with toys? Alright, we know they come to life, and they're our heroes, but Sid's basically an outcast. He's a geek! He's easier to empathise with him than with Andy, to be honest, who plays imaginatively but somehow keeps all his shit in pristine condition for years. How the hell is Slinky Dog not a knotted mess like every other fucking slinky that leaves its box?


OK, so the people are ancillary in these films anyway, but let's be fair to Sid. The consequences of Woody's actions may have scared him off of pulling apart toys and putting them back together, but from there he was probably traumatised enough to move onto doing it to small animals, and then maybe people! Woody made The Human Centipede happen, ladies and gents!

That's obviously not what we see from the small shout-out to Sid in Toy Story 3, a shout-out you need to keep your eyes peeled for, but you can surmise that where he is now is not where he wanted to be in life. The kid seemed destined for a more creative course in life, dammit.

It's reasonable that the younger kids don't play gently with the toys in Toy Story 3, but when you're watching these films, everyone remember Sid Phillips, the true tragic figure of the Toy Story trilogy.

Toy Story 3 Week continues tomorrow.

TOY STORY 3 WEEK- The Spoiler-Free Review

You might not realise it, but it's been a good eleven years since Toy Story 2. Toy Story 3 thus finds an all but grown-up Andy packing his bags for college. His toys have been packed in storage for a good while, and many of their number have been thrown away or passed on. Woody the cowboy looks set to be taken along to college, and so Buzz Lightyear and the rest of the toys donate themselves to the Sunnyside Daycare Centre, Woody trying to keep the gang together all the way.

To say much more would be to rob you of the experience of letting the film unfold before you. If you're any kind of fan of this series, then Toy Story 3 should be the film that takes you back to your youth more than any other in 2010. Director Lee Unkrich and writer Michael Arndt have found a perfect balance in treating the characters we know and love in new and original ways while still bringing in scores of new characters, and never short changing any of them.

Let's take a moment to compare that to another recent animated sequel. It almost feels like picking on Shrek Forever After when its most relevant competitor is a Pixar film (especially this Pixar film), but just look at what went into that. There's been a Shrek film every three years, like clockwork, since 2001. In the time Dreamworks took to make one really good film, two fairly average sequels and an absolute stinker in the middle, Pixar lovingly crafted just one sequel to one of their most beloved properties and made it damn near perfect.

The story hits some of the same beats as we've seen before, but as I've said, the joy of Toy Story 3 is how differently its all brought forward. We get the now regular Buzz malfunction, but it makes for a great comic relief aside as the second act action ploughs forward. The crisis of ownership from the second film comes to the fore in a big way here, but while the earlier plot turns dealt with the idea of immortality, this one's dealing very much in the realm of Dante's Inferno. For toys.

And d'you know which of the characters should be singled out here? Mr. Potato Head. Pixar make it look so effortless that it might have been planned all along, but it's quite important that one point that the respective parts of the Potato Heads move independently of their brown plastic shells. It's a tremendously creative sequence in the middle of a tremendously creative film, and one that uses such body horror quite liberally, for a change.

More than expected, they're playing with horror conventions in this one. Certain new characters could be downright nightmare fuel for younger viewers, but there's always that level of subversion that keeps the proceedings warm and funny. It is a nice touch for older viewers though, who perhaps even more than before can be as engrossed in the action as their younger companions and offspring.

The studio has come into a reputation for tear-jerking since Toy Story 2, liberally tugging at heartstrings in the likes of WALL•E and Up, and with Toy Story 3, there's no exceptions. I've heard various people admit to crying their hearts out at various points in the film, so if you know and like these characters, there's no telling where the film will get you. It would be a spoiler to tell you where it got me, but there's not a lot of shame in admitting that it did get me.

It may seem odd to some who've heard the advance buzz that I haven't mentioned Michael Keaton's performance as a Ken doll. His great vocal work complements a scene-stealing character excellently, but what also distinguishes Pixar as the best studio around is how they get real talents to do voices rather than big names. Stars as high-profile as Tom Hanks are practically invisible here. Hanks is excellent of course, as are Tim Allen, Ned Beatty, Timothy Dalton and the rest, but they're also subtle.

The only use you have for 3D glasses in this one is to hide the tears, a use that might have served you while watching Up last year as well. But all quibbling about the technology aside, it really didn't seem like this was in 3D at all. That's not to say that I forgot I was watching a 3D film, but that it seemed to make no difference. Naturally, I'm really looking forward to seeing Toy Story 3 in 2D, where the richly rendered visuals won't be impeded by a pair of plastic specs.

Don't doubt it for a second- Toy Story 3 is the must-see family film of the year. Hell, it eclipses most action films for thrills and spills, so if you don't have young ones in your immediate family circle, go and see it with some of your friends instead. But most of all, it preserves the same sense of humour and compelling storytelling that made its predecessors so great, capping off the story of some of the best-loved characters of an entire generation. Without a bit of hyperbole, I feel sorry for you if you're not going to see this one.

Toy Story 3 opens in cinemas, showing in 2D and 3D, on July 19th. Toy Story 3 Week continues tomorrow.

TOY STORY 3 WEEK- Introduction...

Welcome to Toy Story 3 Week on The Mad Prophet. Later in the week I'm hoping to bring you a somewhat uneven and hastily edited vlog on the business of my trip to see the film at the Edinburgh International Film Festival last month, but it seems only right that the first order of business is my review of the film.

Yeah, there's been one of these things from me up on Den of Geek for a while now, written up in double-quick time at the hotel the morning after I saw the film. I'd like to think this one has the benefit of hindsight, although I'll still be discussing the film with next to no spoilers. There'll probably a spoiler-ish review after the film has been released next week.

OK, so it is another week before the film's proper UK release (FINALLY), but with nothing new out this week that I haven't already covered and The Karate Kid and Inception to cover next week, makes sense to do this themed week now.


Enjoy!

Get To Da Choppah- PREDATORS Review

As something of a regular disclaimer, it's only my opinion here- others are available. As ever, mild spoilers may occur in the process of reviewing, but never so far as to spoil any major plot developments.
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While sparkling vampires and boyband werewolves delight and arouse the female populace, the blokey alternative in cinemas this week is Predators, the latest in the monster hunter sci-fi franchise.

20 years after originally pitching this very script as a third Predator film, producer Robert Rodriguez has brought it to the screen, and to call it the best Predator film since the original is close to damning the film with faint praise.

As a direct sequel to the original films, Predators ignores the events of the Alien crossovers and begins with a mercenary, played by Adrien Brody, in freefall from around fifty thousand feet in the air. When he lands, he discovers he's not alone- he and a group of hardened killers must overcome their mistrust of each other to survive a predatory onslaught.

Those who've been following this series will remember that it all began with a 1987 action vehicle in which Arnold Schwarzenegger told us to “get to da choppah”. He dropped out of making the sequel in favour of a little known film called Terminator 2- Judgement Day. Danny Glover replaced him for Predator 2, which in my view ranks somewhere in the worst sequels ever made. It's little more than an offensive cop thriller packed with clumsy satire and bad dialogue, that just happens to have a Predator in it.

A sight gag in the sequel with a xenomorph head from the Alien series gave us the idea that the two franchises could cross over, so we got a pair of abominations called Alien vs. Predator, designed solely to please fans and failing even at that. Part of the reason Predator 2 sucked the big one is down to relocating the action in LA, and this one has immediately hit on the right stuff by moving stuff back into the jungle landscape that gave the original film such a strong identity. If you've seen the first one, be assured that this is more of the same, and that that's a good thing.

For one thing, the filmmakers capitalise on the fact that we're looking at another planet by giving some background to this new world, giving something like a less expository model of the world-building we saw in Avatar. They're doing something new with the material rather than just putting the Predators at the forefront. Whenever the Predators do appear, it's clear that they've reaped the benefits of advances in CG technology, and the whole thing looks a lot better than it did in the late 80s and early 90s. The only trouble is that they're chasing down much less macho prey than before.

Granted, Adrien Brody is a step up from the conglomeration of stock horror movie teens of Aliens vs Predator- Requiem, but given the similarities between this film and the first one, he's not a patch on Schwarzenegger. He tells his fellow Predator fodder that he can't do this on his own, and you say “Why not? Arnie did!”

In that respect at least, Brody is the abusive stepdad of the film, insisting on a Christian Bale Batman voice as he implicitly shuts the audience in a cupboard and rasps that Arnie isn't here now, he is. All joking aside, he's not too bad in the role, even if he's not entirely convincing as an action hero. It's just difficult to get past this, as well.

Topher Grace, on the other hand, is pants. Apparently around the time of Spider-Man 3, it was decided he was better than the romantic comedy gubbins he'd appeared in up til then, and he was ready to star in big action movies. He's not, and the moment the film asks me to take Topher Grace seriously is the moment I stop taking the film seriously as well.

On the plus side, Laurence Fishburne gives a fantastic turn as a paranoid survivor, lurking around this big old game reserve and surviving any way he can. His performance is somewhat reminiscent of Marlon Brando's Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now, which was Fishburne's own first film, and he's a welcome presence in the slightly slow second act of Predators.

The BBFC have given the film a 15 certificate, and that means so much of the film seems to peer into the abyss rather than ever committing enough to jump in. There are some fantastically near the knuckle jokes that recall the more decadent sense of humour of the earlier films, such jokes most often spouted by a convicted rapist and serial killer who's been brought into the hunt from Death Row.

But it's inconsistent when you consider that the filmmakers want these characters to have learned a lesson, so to speak. We get ample proof of their self-preservation instincts, but as the film wears on, they do increasingly reckless things to help each other out. This would be fine if they were getting closer to each other, but those who are left by the last ten minutes still barely seem to even like each other, let alone willing to risk their lives for each other.

That's the least of the problems with the film's disappointingly dopey ending, but overall, it has to be said that Predators is a mostly satisfying and exciting action film, the kind that we haven't really seen enough of in the last few years. They haven't sanitised the concept down to a 12A certificate and this whole film is a shot of adrenaline to a dormant series.

There's enough creativity and action on show to warrant a big-screen viewing of Predators, especially if you're a fan of the series in general. It's also a great jumping on point for new viewers, respecting the story so far without getting over-balanced by continuity. Expect sequels to this one.

Predators is now showing in cinemas natiowide.

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If and when you see Predators, why not share your comments on the film and/or my review below? If you're now stuck on Brodyquest, you have my sympathies.

I'm Mark the mad prophet, and until next time, don't watch anything I wouldn't watch.