Game Over- SAW 3D Review

Yeah, it's Saw VII. I might charitably call it Saw VII 3D, but it's certainly not Saw 3D. Hey, after the week I've had over on Den of Geek, doing Saw week, I think I'm allowed to call it whatever I want. Assuming of course that this film is as inaccessible as any deeply story-driven gory soap opera that you enter at the seventh instance, you might want to catch up with my brief summations of the first six films in this blog post from last year, if you don't have time to read through my lengthier Den of Geek critiques.

Righto then, Saw VII. Jigsaw's long-suffering ex Jill Tuck is immediately seen forsaking all badassery she mustered at the end of the last film by running away like a wuss when she sees demented bumbler Hoffman survive the reverse bear trap she put him in. Aiming to broker a deal for her release to his vengeance, Hoffman wreaks citywide mayhem with the traps and games, encompassing the already under-resourced police as well as a self-help guru who claims to have survived one of the Jigsaw tests.

One thing sticks out in how Saw VII fails to offer up a single shock in its entire running time. In the midst of so much grisly routine and misanthropic treatment of characters, one mistake could have redeemed the whole film had it been averted. Twisted Pictures should never have announced the return of Cary Elwes as Dr. Lawrence Gordon. Elwes almost serves as the franchise's Mount Doom with his bookend appearances- with him, Saw was made, and only with him can it be unmade. If they'd only kept that as a surprise, the film would have been worth its salt.

Instead it's just obscenely functional for a film so hyped as the final end of a franchise that fans have followed fo the last six years. So much of its essence has been lost in that time that even Saw VI seems like a return to form in comparison to the ornery incomprehensibility of some of the instalments in the middle. However, while that film improved for its partial reintegration of the late John Kramer, there's a near-criminal lack of him in this final instalment.

Tobin Bell is the gnarled heart and twisted soul of the entire series. It goes rapidly downhill once we're watching Costas Mandylor woodenly trudge along in his shoes, and Hoffman only becomes more unbearable at the very end. I also feel sorry for Betsy Russell, who rounds out her patient and competent run on the series with a scream queen turn, running down corridors and hiding behind cabinets.

But naturally, Saw films are not about the acting, or at least they haven't been since the days of the mighty Elwes and original co-creator Leigh Whannell. They're more about stock characters being put through unimaginable- sometimes baddies and sometimes goodys, but never relatable. With the character of Bobby Dagen, who becomes a hit on the talkshow circuit and bestsellers list at Jigsaw's expense, we make steps back towards the idea of redemptive torture being the object, but it's quickly subsumed by the same succession of unimaginative sideshows we've seen in the fourth film, or the fifth film, or any other film except the first two, really.

Of the 3D, there's really little to say, except that it might bolster the box-office enough to justify continuing the franchise, even beyond its apparent conclusion. There are still dangling threads that could be resumed, looking at how tenuous some of the series' latter instalments have gotten. It may turn out to be the finale as much as The Evil of the Daleks turned out to be "the final end" for the Daleks back in 1967. If anything is popular enough, it'll get picked up again. For me though, this is the end. Game over, as it were. I will not see another new Saw film, because I'm pretty much done with them.

In the same way as a dumb blockbuster will eventually seem quiet if it's loud enough for long enough, nothing in Saw VII fazed me, even with all of its sick-making gore. It's a disaffecting and demoralising film that reverts back to its worst excesses after the forward step made by its immediate predecessor, trying to skirt by on being a little more comprehensible. Cary Elwes is the most classy presence and his return could only have been more welcome if it hadn't been announced in advance.

Otherwise, we're looking at a finale so removed from the original point that it's more geared towards wrapping up its dense mythology. It achieves that well enough, but it's difficult to imagine Saw VII being anyone's favourite addition to the series.

Saw VII is now showing in 3D at cinemas nationwide.
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If you've seen Saw VII, why not share your comments below? If you do want to read those lengthy Den of Geek critiques, find the links below...

Revisiting Saw and Saw II
Revisiting Saw III and Saw IV
Revisiting Saw V and Saw VI

I'm Mark the mad prophet, and until next time, don't watch anything I wouldn't watch.

Lego To The Movies

With the creative team from Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs signing up to work on the upcoming Lego movie, and the recent release of the latest video-game spin-off, Lego Harry Potter Years 1-4, it seems as good a time as any to talk about certain branches of the Lego empire.

Is there a man or woman alive who doesn't love Lego? It seems like a lot of people like video games too, even though personally the only game I've really properly played in the last ten years is Batman: Arkham Asylum. The other infrequent chances I've had to pick up a controller have involved the Lego games of movies though. Star Wars, Batman, Indiana Jones and now Harry Potter. So what should be next?

Lego Saw


Video by NIVALIS09

If ever a bloodthirsty torture porn horror series was meant for Lego, it's the Saw series! Build the traps! Set them off! Get steadily more convoluted and wrapped up in plot as you go along! This one lends itself to Lego better than any other horror, particularly as they can repeat the Harry Potter release model by doing "Lego Saw I-IV" first and then doing the rest of the films in a second game!

I did consider other ones, but Lego Antichrist seemed a bit sickening even by my standards. Keep it likable, and fun for all the family!

Lego Terminator


Video by cuatro44

Last year, I noted in my Terminator Salvation review that James Cameron's uber-violent sci-fi action series had gotten more and more kid-friendly as it went along, to the extent that McG's version had a Terminator voice changer helmet as a merchandising tie-in. If they have to plow the metal meanies in the rear USB port, at least let them do it in Lego form!

No blood, just a rock-em sock-em re-telling of the series. Even the writing of John Brancato and Michael Ferris on the latter instalments can be overcome with the joys of Lego! Oddly, there actually seems to be a demand for this one on certain movie forums, irrespective of the need for fun for all the family!

Lego The Room



If you haven't yet experienced the unintentional hilarity of quadruple-threat Tommy Wiseau's debut odyssey The Room, there's little I can do except let the above video speak for itself. The video game of this so-bad-it's-bad modern classic is surely inevitable, made in the mold of The Sims or something, but why not spice it up by making it Lego? Given yesterday's development over at That Guy With The Glasses though, perhaps it doesn't really deserve it.

With detachable body parts, you really can pull Johnny apart when he delivers the immortal line "YOU ARE TEARING ME APART!", and say "Oh hai doggy" as you play fun mini-games at the flower store. A Tennessee Williams-wannabe potboiler becomes fun for all the family!
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If there's a Lego game you want to see that I've missed, why not share your comments below? If you're from Wiseau Films and you want me to take this blog down, you'd better start recalling all your DVDs, because you'll be setting a precedent where you're the only people who can talk about your film.

I'm Mark the mad prophet, and until next time, don't watch anything I wouldn't watch.

Pick-Up Needed- THE COLLECTOR Review

As something of a regular disclaimer, it's only my opinion here- others are available. As ever, mild spoilers may occur in the process of reviewing, but never so far as to spoil any major plot developments.
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The Collector is the latest in a long line of cinema slashers, a genre that more frequently takes a slash all over our face and eyes than slashing victims with blades. In this one though, what must be the only ex-con professional locksmith in the world turns to crime. His estranged wife and daughter fall afoul of loan sharks and he needs to pay off the thousands the wife owes by midnight. Breaking into his latest client's house, he bumps into a gimp-masked sadist, the Collector of the title, who has turned the house into a fortress from the inside. With traps around every corner and the family of the house incapacitated, the only way out is to be chosen to join the killer's collection.

I caught this one earlier in the week and expected pretty much the same standard of horror film as its writers, Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton, have been doing for the last four or five years in the Saw sequels. It's not far removed, but this ain't half bad. Part of that's down to Josh Stewart, whose acting makes our hero much easier to root for as he tries to connive his way out of the house and still collect his payday.

Despite the deliberately retro vibe, you can feel them striving to do something different in the time they take to establish characters, threatening to overbalance the whole film with a slow opening. The valid motivations of the sympathetic characters only make the omission of character for our antagonist more glaring. The Collector looks like a barbarous mix of Sharaz Jek and that kid who dressed as Batman and killed Christmas on YouTube, so they should flesh him out a little more. Why does he collect people? Why this house?

You'll find no answers here, just a procession of escalating circumstances and gory set-pieces- I hope this doesn't mean they're trying to establish this character for a franchise. I liked this one, but with yesterday's announcement of what they're calling the next Final Destination film, I tire of horror sequels altogether.

The Collector hails back to 80s slasher movies, a form of horror cinema that isn't exactly due a return given how it's never bloody gone away. There is a refreshing internal sense to the thing, and enough chills and thrills to occupy most audiences, but it owes too much to the style and content of Saw.

That shit-brown and mucus-green tinge is most unwelcome in the two scenes it's used in, and shows exactly how the film has the expectations of the genre embedded in its skin like the fish-hooks dangling from the Chase household. But it's trying, so by all means, give it a watch.

The Collector is showing in cinemas nationwide.
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If you've seen The Collector, why not share your comments on the films and/or my reviews below? Newcomers may assume my sincerest apologies for turning them onto the inevitable loop of "The Dark Knight Kills Christmas" and its sequel they'll be stuck in hereafter.

I'm Mark the mad prophet, and until next time, don't watch anything I wouldn't watch.

I Fought The Saw

It's little more than a coincidence that the supposedly unlucky number coincides with this latest instalment of my thoughts on cinema, brought out on Halloween weekend and focusing on horror. I'm prophetic only in the Howard Beale sense of things, so the only trepidation you should approach this post with is the usual weariness at having to read my articulated rantings. I've spent a great deal of time lately catching up with the Saw franchise awaiting the release of Saw VI, so as with the Harry Potter review earlier in the year, I'll give you a potted look at my thoughts on the earlier instalments. As something of a regular disclaimer, it's only my opinion on here- others are available, and spoilers for I-V may follow throughout the review.

Saw is really nothing short of excellent. A brilliant extension of a short film from James Wan and Leigh Whannell, the film hits all the right notes- it's innovative, chilling and it's one of the best thrillers of the decade. I don't particularly classify the franchise as horror just because of the copious amounts of gore, and so I always thought the films were at their best when they were discomforting the audience in other ways. Best of all, it stars Cary Elwes, who gets an automatic pass in most films because he was so awesome in The Princess Bride. Look at the picture, he's still not left-handed. To say that the first of six is the best doesn't suggest that I liked the rest very much, but on the contrary, I found Saw II to be nearly as good as its predecessor, and certainly just as clever, and though Saw III is a definite step-down in quality, it wrapped up most of the loose ends and provided what would've been a rather satisfying conclusion with franchise baddy Jigsaw's death.

At that point, I felt the creative strain was already starting to show, and if only they'd spun off from there into a TV series about the cops who are after Jigsaw, the series' continuation might have been a bit better. As it is, Saw IV is execrable. Just an utter waste of time that descends into soap opera with gore. By this point, it almost seems like the writers are more interested in formulating new traps and building some kind of grand plan with the narrative than in maintaining the cold hard logic behind their victims' circumstances. Even III had one victim who was put into the torture device simply because she's "already dead on the inside". That's not necessarily a misdeed that needs punishing now, is it? Not really akin to the barbed wire room for the self-harm guy in the first film, or the "needle in a haystack" for the drug dealer in the second film.

I found the fourth film was only really notable for its inclusion of the only violent act that made me cringe since the early films, and that's the accident that causes Jill's miscarriage. From that you can probably guess I take no pleasure in the desensitising clusterfuck of gore that the films spray everywhere, and that if they're explaining Jigsaw's wife having a miscarriage is what made Jigsaw do his thing, they may be in trouble. That's the sign of a franchise that's a little too wrapped up in its own mythology- it's episodic rather than cinematic, hence my suggestion that it might've made a better TV series. And Tobin Bell probably has a contract stipulation that means he has to play the guy in flashbacks ad infinitum, even though his character died three films ago. Saw V recovers a little, and although it's widely slated as the worst, I still think IV is the worst so far. And now, at the film-a-year rate that Twisted Pictures have been pumping out since 2004, we find Saw VI arriving in multiplexes this Halloween.

At this stage in affairs, every one of the original detectives investigating Jigsaw has died except Detective Hoffman, who became Jigsaw's new apprentice two films ago. The FBI are getting closer to exposing the truth, so Hoffman one of Jigsaw's final games in motion, tackling insurance companies who have power over life and death. Spoilers for I-V may persist, but you need not fear any spoilers for Saw VI in reading on.

For those who aren't aware, America's healthcare system is a little bit crap. Anyone looking for an appraisal of that system is probably better served by the slightly self-aggrandizing Sicko- this is a film for those who take it as a given that medical insurance people are penny-pinching scumbags and cheats, and who want to see them using each other's vital organs as jaunty hats in order to try and save themselves. As a result of this, all of our de facto protagonists in Saw VI are thoroughly unlikable, and you feel they deserve to die. Not in the typical horror fashion, whereby characters are so one-dimensional you don't care if they explode, melt, drown or spaff themselves to death- these guys are really hateful, and for the first time since the second instalment, we have a set of characters who do deserve to be in this game, as opposed to being audience friendly. Peter Outerbridge's slimy executive, William, is the focus of Jigsaw's game from beyond the grave and he's put through hell in order to save his family, like a kind of twatty Harrison Ford. Jigsaw's logic makes a welcome return in the treatment of characters like these, and writers Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton vastly improve on their last efforts.

Also owing to the marked increase in quality is director Kevin Greutert, who edited the first five films and really brings some discomfort back to the proceedings. The shaky and fast-cut shots were annoying in the first two films, but once they disappeared, I realised why they were there. They disorientate the audience precisely so they don't become desensitised to or comfortable with the amount of gore on-screen, and now that this style of editing has returned, the gore has regained a little of its horror value. I say this not as a sick and twisted human being who watches these films for the joy of simulated torture, but someone who ended up really bloody bored watching it being constantly repeated in Saw III through Saw V with little of the innovation of their predecessors. And don't get me wrong, this one does have its faults. Indeed, for such a positive review, it's a fairly average film.


So the flashbacks haven't gone away, the gore still comes gushing, and I still haven't been really properly horrified since Jill's miscarriage in Saw IV. If you've found my mentions of the first five films to be incomprehensible, Saw VI is not the film for you, because it still has great reverence for the series' continuity. On the other hand, if you want a film that largely acquits itself of the rather crappy legacy the most recent instalments have accrued, you could do a lot worse. For the first time in the series, I actually want to see the next film to find out where it goes from the ending of VI. Dunstan and Melton's episodic business is actually taking a little bit of shape now, and they claim that the storyline will finally wrap up with an eighth instalment in 2011. Much like Harry Potter then, only with headfucking retcons and more gore than the 2000 presidential campaign. For now, they've restored enough of the innovation and tension-building that made the first film to make this a more competent "part six" than any horror fan could really hope to expect.

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Yeah, I made an Al Gore joke. I'm current! Next time, I'll be getting through the films I'm planning to see this week, which include Jennifer's Body and Michael Jackson's This Is It. I've already seen Fantastic Mr. Fox, so that'll definitely be in there. If you've been reading this long though, I'll assume you're quite the Saw fan, so if you've seen Saw VI, why not share your thoughts in the comments?

I'm Mark the mad prophet, and until next time, don't watch anything I wouldn't watch.