THE DILEMMA- Review

Whenever Vince Vaughn seems to be having fun, you know it's going to hurt.

On Monday, we saw that a romantic comedy can be salvaged from mediocrity or outright awfulness by good casting. Today, we see how a romantic comedy that features Jennifer Connelly and Winona Ryder, directed by Ron Howard, can be utterly fucked up by becoming Vince Vaughn-centric.

The Dilemma has a simple plot, or it should, anyway. Ronny is a reformed gambling addict who looks up to his best friend Nick and his wife Geneva. Ronny and Nick are in business together, and they're on the cusp of selling a new engine design to Dodge when Ronny catches Geneva in an affair with another man. His dilemma is in whether or not he should spill the beans to Nick as their deadline with Dodge approaches.

For the sake of full disclosure, let's put the cards on the table early on. I hated The Dilemma. Just about every bit of its stultifying 111 minute running time was offensive to my eyes, ears, brain and face. Even as a self-proclaimed Vince Vaughn detractor, I went in wanting to like this. Even though I'd heard negative reviews, I had heard enough positive things to pique my curiosity about seeing it.

Let's list those positive things then, as seen from where I sat in the cinema. The best thing about The Dilemma is Channing Tatum. Yes, that's Step Up and Dear John star Channing Tatum. That should tell you all you need to know, but to be completely fair to Tatum and to the film, his character was the only one to hit my deprived funny bone all the way through, and he did a fine job of it. Of course, the representation of his character is just one of the many problems of the larger film, but I'd go so far as to say that this is actually his best role, and his best performance.

On the whole though, this is a film about Vince Vaughn. It's not just a principled dislike of Vaughn that makes that a bad thing in this case. He's just the person with the least to like about him, in all of this. His character, Ronny, is in a situation that might at least provoke sympathy, and get viewers asking how they would react in his situation. The problem is that the answer to that question is always going to be "Not like that". He fills that huge running time with a cavalcade of dickery and supposedly good-intentioned slapstick. And worst of all, just so you can tell we're supposed to like him, the characters all take the time out to appreciate how hard all of this has been for him, as though his feelings would be most damaged by the explosion of someone else's marriage.

Who's there to appreciate how hard the events have this film have been for me? Hm? Certainly not Kevin James, who finally joins my shit-list just a little later than he figured on everyone else's. I didn't mind him in Paul Blart- Mall Cop and I missed Grown Ups entirely. Certainly not Winona Ryder and Jennifer Connelly, neither of whom have anything to do as they watch from the sidelines and appear to be monstrous and submissive, respectively. And certainly not Ron Howard, who really, really ought to know better by now.

It's not just the unintentionally funny token appearance of his brother Clint, more famously seen in the movies of Uwe Boll than in anything Ron has to offer. It's the way that this entire film feels like a product fixated upon the white heterosexual male who most often goes to the movies, quantified by box office spreadsheets and charts, rather than a film by an actual human being, least of all Ron Howard. It's hideously white, souped up by manful discussion of cars and sports and other cool stuff that's cool, and it has an ugly passive-agressive homophobic streak. All of this without ever forging an emotional connection. Or even raising a laugh that doesn't involve Channing Tatum.

The Dilemma is a baggy and self-indulgent stinker that's over-directed, over-developed and overdone. And in amongst all of that, most of the jokes fail to land, making it an excruciating watch, especially in the first hour. I'd like to think that it's not just an ingrained hatred of Vince Vaughn that led me to this conclusion, but it's more than enough reason on its own to hate this fucking movie. I never walk out of films at the cinema, but this one drove me close to the edge. Perhaps that surprisingly funny turn by Channing Tatum was calculated to coincide with my endurance breaking, because there's no latching onto anything else in this shite.

The Dilemma is now playing in cinemas nationwide.
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If you've seen The Dilemma, why not share your comments below?

I'm Mark the mad prophet, and until next time, don't watch anything I wouldn't watch.

Squanderland

University and employment suck a little, not unlike the only two new films I've had time to see since the last post. On the plus side, I now have the new computer sorted, pending a couple of minor technical bugbears, so can now blog a bit more regularly again. As something of a regular disclaimer, it's only my opinion on here- others are available. So here goes with Couples Retreat and Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant. As ever, mild spoilers may occur in the process of reviewing, but never so far as to spoil any major plot developments.
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Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant is about an average teen called Darren Shan, whose life changes after he and his best friend Steve go to a freak show and run afoul of Crepsley, a performer who is also a vampire. Crepsley's spider bites Steve, forcing Darren to make a deal with Crepsley to save his friend's life. Thus Darren becomes a vampire and joins the Cirque du Freak, incurring the wrath of an opposing caste who are looking to end a hundred-year truce and start a war between vampires. Yep, it's yet another vampire film and that's where it falls down.

The film centres on Darren, Crepsley and their conflict with the Vampanese, the type of vampire that kills their prey rather than just taking whatever non-life-threatening amount of blood they need to survive. But elsewhere in the film, there's a creepy gangster with the power to resurrect dead people, a bloke with two stomachs, and a bearded lady played by Salma Hayek. All of these are more interesting ideas than the umpteenth reinvention of vampires, and it's lost in the pea soup that is Cirque du Freak. John C. Reilly plays Crepsley, and he's reliable enough as an actor that he carries every scene he's in. The trouble is that our intrepid hero is played by newcomer Chris Massoglia, an actor so leaden that he brings everything else down. It's not entirely his bad- the film's pretty terribly edited, and given the timing of its release, you have to wonder if it was rushed out in time for Halloween. It takes ages to get going, and then once it does, approximately not much happens. The last minute appendage of the Vampire's Assistant subtitle suggests they're planning sequels, but that most likely won't happen now that the film has bombed on its opening weekend at the American box office.

The film is being marketed and reviewed as "Twilight for teenage boys", and whatever my feelings on That Franchise, it's a shame that the potential for this has been squandered in order to appeal to an apparently ready-made audience. I didn't hate the film, it just massively disappointed me. Reilly makes a valiant effort and there is one really good joke in the middle of it, but the poor pacing and Disney-brand moral message at the end make the film thoroughly unremarkable. Cirque du Freak doesn't suck, but it lacks bite, and that's as much wordplay as I can be bothered to think up for a film so forgettable.

On the other hand, we have Couples Retreat, a comedy largely aimed at people who've ever wanted to watch Vince Vaughn present Wish You Were Here. Jason Bateman and Kristen Bell are considering divorce because of their seeming inability to conceive. They decide to book a couples' skill-building holiday at a tropical paradise called Eden. They drag three other couples along with them, promising that they can enjoy the sun and surf instead of the rigorous couples therapy. Instead, they're told by an officious Peter Serafinowicz that all eight of them have to partake in the whole programme as well as all the fun activities. Hilarious romantic hijinks ensue. And yes, Bateman and Bell's characters do have names, as do Vince Vaughn, Jon Favreau and Kristin Davis, but that doesn't really matter, seeing as how plot is secondary to these actors going off and filming on an island somewhere in the Mediterranean.

See, the film I just described would seem to be about couples realising they have issues in their relationships and having to work hard to sort those out. The couples bicker and fight, contrary to their idyllic surroundings. And yet the only picture I could find to illustrate this was the above holiday snap of a publicity picture. That's what it is- Vince Vaughn decided to go on holiday with some other actors, and now you're paying for it in multiplexes. The script is utterly devoid of laughs, so I urge you not to go and finance their holiday. It's a real shame to see the likes of Jason Bateman, Kristen Bell and Jon Favreau in this though- all three are decent comedy actors, and should really have known better. All acquit themselves rather well, but I still don't like Vince Vaughn, I'm afraid. There's really little more to say except that the amount of product placement in this is distractingly huge. Everyone make sure they go to Appleby's after the film, and then write about it on Facebook on your Apple Mac before you go and play Guitar Hero. Powerpoint. Will anyone be watching this in just twenty years time? It's going to be hideously dated in about two years.

Couples Retreat has about as much entertainment value as a tourist brochure, and it's a shameful exercise for certain comedy actors who really should've put their artistic integrity before the temptation of being paid to spend time on an island paradise. I don't begrudge anyone who has the money to go and do that, just please don't give the world your holiday videos to sit through afterwards. Probably the worst thing any of the main cast (except Vince Vaughn) has ever been in.
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I'm off to see Fish Tank shortly, and I hear that's a really good film, so looking forward to that. Other than that, still need to see Fantastic Mr. Fox, 9 and Saw VI. Expect any one of those four in the next few weeks. In the meantime, if you've seen either Couples Retreat or Cirque du Freak, please comment on this post and let me know what you thought- always like a bit of discussion and feedback.

I'm Mark the mad prophet, and until next time, don't watch anything I wouldn't watch.