PUTTING THE HO IN WHORING

Happy Thursday

To you too, Jakey poo.

FASTER- Review

The tagline for Faster goes a little like this- "Justice is swift. Vengeance is faster." If anything, that serves to remind me of the episode of The Simpsons where Homer changes his name and duly informs his kids that there are three ways to do things- the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way", the latter being the same as the wrong way, "but faster."

The plot itself does little to dispel any expectations you might have going in. Dwayne Johnson plays Driver, a man who gets out of prison for good behaviour and promptly goes on a killing spree. Driver wants revenge on the men who ambushed and murdered his brother's gang a decade earlier, and he'll stop at nothing, not even the best efforts of the cop or the contract killer who have each separately been tasked with stopping him.

Everything about it seems to scream that it's a big, loud and audacious action film along the lines of Drive Angry, from the title, and the casting of Johnson, to the naming of all the characters for their most obvious trait, like Driver, or Cop, or Killer, or Evangelist, or Woman. No, really- a woman in this film is credited as Woman, despite actually having a name in the context of the story.

Those who are given names have names like Baphomet or Detective Cicero- to wit, names that carry heavy symbolic significance. If the naming of the characters seems blunt, you've got a decent idea of the blunt force trauma that Faster is all about. What's surprising is that the impact isn't always the result of a cheap shock or an audacious fight scene, but also from what seems to be an attempt at proper character development.

If Driver isn't carrying a gun, his hands are occupied wringing over the various moral and ethical implications of his rampage. It's a film that's more self-conscious than self-aware, and the internal discussion of Driver's actions falls apart with the general sort of hypocrisy that winds up being a staple of any full-blooded revenge film. Violence is bad, but some bad violence is good if you do the good violence to bad people. And "vengeance is faster" apparently.

You can argue that family fare, like The Tooth Fairy and Race to Witch Mountain, has been holding Dwayne Johnson back from becoming the big action hero that he's clearly capable of being. Coming back around to action in both this and the upcoming Fifth Fast and the Furious Film For Which I Don't Know The Fucking Title, Johnson isn't exactly challenged. There's more time for tearful contemplation that there has been in any of his other films, but it carries no weight when we're so separate from Driver.

The rest of the cast is generally rather good, with Billy Bob Thornton's tortured and drug-addled Cop making a nice counter-point to Carla Gugino as his frustrated colleague, and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje showing up at a pivotal point in the film to give Johnson a final obstacle. The major bum note is the casting of Oliver Jackson-Cohen as Killer, a role that Clive Owen might have got if he were shit. The character is precocious, and the acting is not much better.

You can't particularly measure Faster by what it has given the world in terms of moral debate and scrutiny of revenge movie archetypes. However, there's still a hell of a lot of value in a film this blunt that still bothers to think about this kind of thing, even if its ponderings don't quite reach a satisfying conclusion. For a film called Faster, it's remarkably pedestrian stuff, but it has at least one good plot twist to its name and it's more consistently engaging than the usual assaults upon cinema.

Faster is now showing in cinemas nationwide.
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If you've seen Faster, why not share your comments below?

I'm Mark the mad prophet, and until next time, don't watch anything I wouldn't watch.

Khloe Kardashian Goes Middle Eastern

Khloe graces Cosmo's cover for the Middle East. Khloe gives good interview. She's no BS. It's refreshing.

SMELL THE MAGIC

ALL PHOTOS BY MONI, QUEEN OF BADLANDS

http://www.johnnysbird.com/

Elizabeth Banks - New Mom

The actress and husband Max Handelman have welcomed son Felix via gestational surrogate. Congrats to the family!

Lotsa Bravo News

Bravo has ordered new seasons of Bethenny Ever After (super!), Tabatha's Salon Takeover (love it!), Top Chef Just Desserts (yay! Gail!), The Real Housewives of Atlanta (blonk!) and The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (best ever!). Plus, which Project Runway and Rachel Zoe Project personalities just got spinoffs? Project Runway drag-queen-dress designer Chris March is getting his own show, called Mad Fashion, remember him? A large funny dude with lotsa attitude, hilarious, and sweet. Nice combo. The other star getting his own show is Rachel Zoe's former assistant Brad Goreski, soon to be the lead of It's a Brad Brad World. Not sure how I feel...I loved him WITH Rachel, but, on his own? Not sure. I do welcome more bowties and leather jackets though. Here are some more NEW BRAVO SHOWS: Miss Advised is about three single relationship experts having to sometimes take their own medicine; The Therapists is about shrinks having to sometimes have to take their own medicine; and Interior Therapy with Jeff Lewis is about remodeling your house and your state of mind simultaneously. Huh. Not sure. I'll have to judge after one or two episodes. The thing about BRAVO shows is the people they surround themselves with (the "stars") are more interesting than they are most of the time! If it weren't for the best buddies, the housekeepers, the nannies, and a few gay hairdressers and stylists, the shows MIGHT not work! Who knows? I'm sure I'll watch every single crap show they put on that network, it doesn't matter. I'm sick.

Saving The Planet

 Last night's Green Auction: A Bid to Save the Earth at Christie's in NYC drew out Diane Kruger in a dress by Jason Wu. Lookin good babes.

JB

Oh just Javier Bardem walking in sunny LA with a diet Pepsi. Hey Javier.

CBS Finale Dates

CBS set finale dates for its primetime series from the present 2010-2011 season:

May 1: Undercover Boss at 9p

May 8: The Amazing Race (two-hour finale) at 8p; CSI: Miami at 10p

May 12: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation at 9p

May 13: CSI: NY at 9p; Blue Bloods at 10p

May 15: Survivor: Redemption Island (two-hour finale) at 8p followed by Survivor: Redemption Island Live Reunion Show at 10p

May 16: How I Met Your Mother at 8p; Mad Love at 830p; Mike & Molly at 930p; Hawaii Five-O at 10p

May 17: NCIS at 8p; NCIS: Los Angeles at 9p; The Good Wife at 10p

May 18: Criminal Minds at 9p

May 19: The Big Bang Theory at 8p; Rules of Engagement at 830p; The Mentalist (two-hour finale) at 9p

May 25: Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior at 10p

Review of Glad PlugIns Scented Oil Refill

I did not like this product at all. The smell is very strong and gets on your hands and it won't come off and once you plug it into the wall, the smell goes into the whole house when all I wanted to do was have the upstairs office room smell nice and the smell went downstairs and went through the whole house. And because the smell was so strong I got a headache and ended up unplugging the thing from the wall. Not impressed and would not recommend it to anyone.

I got this from BzzAgent to try these products and write a review on it.

Review of Glade Limited Edition Spring Collection Jar Candle

I was pleasantly surprised how nice this candle was. It had a nice smell like apples and was not overpowering at all. It goes in nice in a bathroom or small room and I truly like this candle scent and all.

I got a kit from BzzAgent to try this products and write a review on it

Why Hello There Rob Lowe...

I like some Rob Lowe. Love, even. Saw a crazy movie at Sundance with him in it this year and he convincingly plays a crazy drug addled suicidal dude, which, is more impressive since he's sober now. I love him on Parks & Rec, which, you need to watch if you aren't. It's hilarious. Anyway, he has written an autobiography called Stories I Only Tell My Friends, which isn't really very juicy, but, nonetheless he shares fun celebrity-filled stories.

WHAAAAT?! No!

There is chatter that "Mad Men" will not be renewed for Season 5. Come again?! Well, of course, the root of a deal not being reached between show creator Matt Weiner and AMC is money.

The Daily reports it has nothing to do with Weiner's contract; the two sides were close to agreeing on a two year, $30 million deal for the mind behind the acclaimed period drama. But other area's need to be better budgeted...there is also talk of two undisclosed actors being 'let go' to cut costs. Weiner said, "It would be heartbreaking for me if they don't work it out, horrifying really. It would be a shame for fans to never get to see what great stuff we have planned for Don and company." Yeah! What stuff?! Come on! Don't can Mad Men, please. There are things I must know about Sterling, Cooper, Draper, Price...and Joan.

Black Swan

Is out on DVD today.

WAKE WOOD- Review

It turns out that the third time is the charm for the reinvigorated Hammer studios. After the commercially disappointing Let Me In and all-around disappointment The Resident, the studio blasts back with the kind of film only they used to make, and it's a pretty gripping horror flick.

Wake Wood is the name of a rural township, and Patrick and Louise are a bereaved couple who relocate there after being struck by tragedy. Their young daughter was killed, and their marriage has suffered from their collective grief. But Rabbit Hole it ain't, because Wake Wood has a secret. Through a dark ritual, the town elects to help out Patrick and Louise, but it means meddling in forces that soon spiral out of their control.

It's no disservice to the film to be so vague about its story, because the major turn-off for some will be that it's very predictable. That's generally because the way that horror films are structured and the way their characters are built are recognisable, but the predictability of the story doesn't get in the way of the fact that it's a very well made film. In fact, the things that are good about it almost obscure the inevitable from the viewer.

For one thing, it's a horror film that puts the effort into getting very good actors to give good performances, which was one of the main reasons that I trumpeted the praises of The Last Exorcism all last year. Patrick and Louise are ably played by Aidan Gillen and Eva Birthistle, who are both equally able to pull off the characters' inconsolable grief and their later enterprise in exploiting the supernatural. Timothy Spall looks like the best thing about it, with his genial creepiness as pillar of the community and hoodoo-monger Arthur, but unexpectedly, it's young newcomer Ella Connolly who steals the show.

There might not be much unexpected about her actual character of course, but as I've said, I didn't mind the fact that I could see my way to the film's conclusion from the first ten minutes because I was enjoying the film on the whole. There are a couple of missteps, like the odd sensationalised surgery scenes, carried over from The Resident. You could argue that the animal C-section performed by veterinarian Patrick foreshadows later events, but it still seems kind of strange to me.

But on the plus side, it has to be said that this is something different, the likes of which I haven't seen in a horror film for a good length of time. Its roots snake through The Wicker Man and Don't Look Now, but it never feels less vital for its obvious influences. It's not merely the performance, but the slightly grimy look of the whole thing. It's not a clinical or over-polished film like The Resident- its ends are not cauterised and cleaned up but left hanging, to the effect of making it feel very edgy and intense.

If, as suggested, Hammer's future is in remaking its older hits such as Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires or Captain Kronos, here's hoping they find time for more films like Wake Wood. The small budget makes for an inventive endeavour from a strong cast and a skilled crew. It is kind of predictable and it's not exactly a game-changer, I admit. However, it's also the kind of film that can't have cost an awful lot, but which gets the job done anyway, and in a way that's grisly and strangely satisfying.

Wake Wood is now available on DVD.
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If you've seen Wake Wood, why not share your comments below?

I'm Mark the mad prophet, and until next time, don't watch anything I wouldn't watch.

OMG K-FED Keep Your Pants ON

Here is a picture of Victoria Prince with lil Sean Preston (mama is The Britney Spears) rubbing her what looks to be prego belly. Oh my. Oh oh oh my.

MONI & MARK MELT IN YOUR MOUTH NOT YOUR HAND